...to be a judge at a chili cook-off

  Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one
else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the
last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
• Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
  JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
  JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
  FRANK: Holy s!@#, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
  dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to
  put the flames out.
  Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
  Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
  JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
  JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
  taken seriously.
  FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I
  am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
  who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
  walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
  Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
  JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
  beans.
  JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
  
  FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
  like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
  now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
  the front part of my chest. I'm getting trashed.
  Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
  JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
  JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
  fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
  FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
  unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
  with fresh refills; that 300lb. b!#@h is starting to look HOT,
  just like
  this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
  Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
  JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
  adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
  JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
  FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.
  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
  contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
  given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
  by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really p!@#es me
  off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
  Screw those rednecks!
  Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
  JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
  of spice and peppers.
  JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
  and garlic. Superb.
  FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
  sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
  that slut, Sally. I need to wipe my a@$ with a snow cone!
  Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
  JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
  peppers.
  JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
  of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
  worried
  about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he
  is cursing uncontrollably.
  FRANK: You could put a f!@#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the
  f!@#ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
  sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
  My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
  f!@#ing mouth.
  Oh yeah... my pants match my shirt. At
  least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
  decided
  to stop breathing, it's too painful. F!@# it, I'm not getting any
  oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
  f!@#ing
  4inch hole in my stomach.
  Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
  JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
  all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
  JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
  mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
  Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
  himself.
  Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
  
  FRANK: ----------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)